


Realizations

by amdnj



Series: Buddies [3]
Category: Kamen Rider Drive
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-22 18:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4845971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amdnj/pseuds/amdnj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoilers for up to Episode 46</p><p>Wasn't vengeance supposed to be satisfying? </p><p>Why did everything hurt?</p><p>Why was Chase...?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Realizations

Vengeance is supposed to be satisfying. Right? Adrenaline. The feeling of being hero in your veins. The feeling of correcting a wrong. Knowing that you’ve been on the side of good. Knowing that you’ve fixed everything. Knowing that everything is okay. Okay. He’s defeated Banno. That’s what he wanted right? To remove every sin of his father. To wash his hands of the blood his father so graciously drowned him in. To correct every sin of his family. To be important. To be a hero. To have something to run towards and do and be a hero living off adrenaline. To be the light in a world of darkness.

All the roidmude will be gone. Dead. That’s what he wanted. They’re all dead.

And maybe that’s the problem.

He falls on his hands and knees, his transformation disappearing. All he can do is look forward because honestly…his heart is screaming. Screaming and burning and breaking worse than anything he’s seen today. He’s always thought about making the outside look like the inside. But that would take more effort than his body…his heart…his being could manage. His heart is screaming. Cursing. And his body can’t even move let alone release the sorrow from his veins the way he’s always done.

Everything he’s done. Everything he’s done. Over and Over behind his eyes, Chase’s last words echo. Chase’s death echoes. On repeat. On repeat.

_You would never consider me a friend_

Again and again. The world spins and tilts and heaves from under him and he feels so intensely like he’s drowning in his own self pity and hatred and a thousand screams of things he wants to say. It feels like years, but it’s only been moments.

He hears Kiriko call out his name, and all he can see is another person he’s failed. Chase was dead. He couldn’t…Kiriko….he...he call out for his sister, the words are harder to say that usual. Is it the state of his wounds? Is it the state of his heart? Is it the way the world seems to be deafened by Chase’s death over and over again?

His sister’s words feel so fucking far away, and he wonders if maybe his heart will ever be able to feel the way it used to. He wonders if the sounds in his mind will ever go away. But they don’t feel like they will. They just get louder and louder. His mistakes on repeat. His idiocy on repeat. His sins on repeat. Undeserving. Undeserving. Chase’s words on repeat. When he start crying? Why can’t he stop? He’s supposed to be strong and unbreakable. Smugness and charisma. Not tears and emptiness.

“Gou what’s wrong?” Kiriko’s words reach him, and for a moment, the noises stop only to blare louder in his head. Because what’s wrong? It’s obvious isn’t it? Why isn’t she crying too? Why is she holding him? Why doesn’t she scream and blame him? Because Chase’s blood is on his hands. It’s all over his hands, and no matter what he does, he’ll never rinse himself from this sin. He’d cleaned the blood of the sins of his father only to be replaced with the death of a friend. Of a sin that was actually his fault.

“I’m…I’m such an idiot…” His tears start to drown him, drown him in ways his feelings had yet not. It’s hard to breathe. The world feels wrong. So fucking wrong. He can’t. He doesn’t… “How could I know…” He grabs and tries to use Kiriko as a way to pull himself up, pull himself up out of the sandpit of sins and blame and misery he’s drowning in. “I should have told him…” Why did his pride have to ruin everything? Why did his stupid pride have to ruin everything? He really was no fucking better than Banno. Truly, Banno’s fucking son. Pride destroying everything that could be close to him.

His hand wraps itself around the license. The only thing left. Something he had sneered at Chase about. Another sin. Another reminder of how he’d taken everything Chase cared about and stomped on it. The way the world had in turn done so to his heard. “He truly was….” He’d do anything. Anything to have him here now. To tell him this now this one fucking word. This one sentence. “My friend”

Kiriko’s tears reach him, and it hurts worse now. Wasn’t he supposed to protect her smile? Wasn’t he supposed to protect her from the sins of their family? From Banno. But he hadn’t protected her from himself. He hadn’t protected her from the unforgivable sins. Because he truly was Banno’s son. A monster. Less human than what he called Chase. The worst.

The worst. He starts shaking and pulls himself off. He doesn’t deserve to touch her. He doesn’t deserve to live. He’s commited the worst crime. The death of someone truly important all over his hands. His sins all over his hands. His mistakes feel like they’ll be all over the floor the way his whole body screams in actual pain and that of his heart ten times worse.

The phone is in Kiriko’s hands, and he wants to scream. No. Don’t tell Shinnosuke. Please no. He can…he can fix this. He has to. Chase can’t be, and he wants to scream over the line to take him instead. That he should have died instead. Chase deserved so much better. He can’t hear her words over his own anxiety and depression and the thousand what ifs and could haves and I’m sorry that are roaring in his head in his heart and in his nightmares.

“He died protecting Gou…” He can’t do this. His head is screaming. His heart is screaming. His body feels numb and on fire and nothing in his life has ever hurt as badly as this. His sister is actually crying and it’s his fault. Shinnosuke is probably crying and it’s his fault. How many nights had he actually wished for Chase to die? For him to be gone from this world so he wouldn’t have to share. How many nights had he screamed that he wanted him gone from existence? How many times and he tried to kill him only to have the other never fight back? The other to extend kindness and mercy he never deserved. He wonders if maybe he feels numb because the hurricane in his heart has fried his whole system.

He wonders if he’ll ever be able truly to move forward again. Because his heart feels dead. The way that he wishes he was. It’s hard to breathe as if he’s already dying anyway.

“Gou.” Kiriko tries to smile at him, and he wants to tell her not to bother. Because he knows that she’s in too much pain for that, and because he doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve her kindness anymore than he deserved Chase’s. But still she persists and helps him carefully to his feet.

He wants to take the scraps of Chase’s things. He deserves a better resting place even if it’s just the shreds of his jacket. He deserves better than this. But he doesn’t want to taint whatever is left anymore with the blood on his hands. Anymore with his undeserving, worthless existence. Or maybe it’s because feeling those pieces in his hands will remind him of his death. It will feel realer than it already does. Because feelings are feelings but shreds of a person can never come off his mind. They can never come clean of his dreams. They never become that person again.

As Kiriko helps him limp over, his mind replays the nightmares side by side with reality. He’s not sure which is worse. Chase’s words overlay in some sort of hellish nightmare theatre playing its main attraction. All he can do is try to focus on walking forward as it gets worse and worse. Shinnosuke’s death is added to the mix, and somehow he wonders why someone like him has ever gotten the opportunity to exist at all.

Banno had called him his biggest failure. An experiment worth nothing.

Maybe he wasn’t too far off the mark.

Not even killing Banno with Chase’s Axe was enough to fill the void in his heart. It was the same empty hollow feeling.

Vengeance wouldn’t bring Chase back.


End file.
